Yesterday, it was the day of the pitcher. Since I started this blog, I can’t remember a more pitcher dominated day. Did anyone get a hit yesterday in any game outside of Coors? Put on your long johns with the flap on the butt, the Dead-ball Era is back. Yesterday reminded me when I was in a heated battle for 1st place in my first fantasy league. The year was nineteen-naught-eight. Skeets Lincoln was a staunch racist, unlike his great-uncle, and I hated him for it, but my Gramsie said, “You’re gonna get polio sitting on the radiator,” and I realized how short life was so I grabbed Skeets and he went 1-for-4 with 4 steals (at that time there were seven bases between first and home). Yesterday, Kyle Lohse threw a gem, but, really, who didn’t. He kept the Braves to two hits with no walks and five Ks. He ends the year with a 3.35 ERA and less Ks than a Klan rally as Skeets would’ve said. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Carlos Gomez – 1-for-1 and his 23rd homer. He was ejected before he touched home plate because he watched his home run at the plate like he was filming The Natural and had to wait for the director to set up his reverse angle.
Aramis Ramirez – Done for the season as he was hurt during the on-field brawl with the Braves that was triggered by CarGo’s home not-so-much-run trot. Aramis said he was just trying to rub himself on Gattis to get rid of that funky, patchouli smell.
Brad Hand – 6 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners, 8 baserunners, 3 Ks. Phillie hitters were obviously distracted by Brad’s odd delivery style. Just before he releases the ball, he says, “Talk to the Hand!”
Cole Hamels – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks, ending his year with a 3.60 ERA. Solid back half of the season after leaving June with a 4.58 ERA. Be interesting to see how big of a discount he comes at next year. Could see drafting him next year, then curse for a few months while he’s terrible, then drop him, only to watch him turn his 2014 season around.
Billy Hamilton – 1-for-4 and his first caught stealing. He stole first base by outrunning Dice-K to the bag, but then ran on the first pitch and was gunned down by Centeno. Centeno was flawless to get him with the absolute best possible pitch to throw on. If five guys a year can do that to Hamilton in 75 attempts, I’d be impressed. Have you seen my new dance? It’s called the “Fawn Fawn Swoon.” I do it whenever I talk about Hamilton.
Jay Bruce – 1-for-3 and 2 steals (6, 7). Somebody owns themselves in a H2H league. “Dangnabbit! I also own Hamilton, but he was thrown out, now I need to steal another bag, Charlie!” I don’t know who Charlie is; ask Bruce, that was him yelling.
Mat Latos – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks, ending his season with a 3.16 ERA. I agree with JayWrong; Mat Latos’s T’s are off. It should be Matt Laos or Ma Lattos. In unrelated news to that but related to fantasy baseball, Latos came within one strikeout of my preseason projections, .17 on ERA, .09 on WHIP and two wins. Guys and four girl readers, I did really well this year in projections through the prism of my own brain. Will be interesting to see how I do when Rudy runs the numbers in the offseason.
Daisuke Matsuzaka – 7 2/3 IP, 0 ER, 6 baserunners, 6 Ks. If you put money on Dice-K throwing 7-plus shutout innings in Great American, I like your moxie! I have a movie starring Lindsay Lohan and Michael Madsen that needs financing and you seem like the smart kind of investor. Where’d you make all your money? Selling ice in Africa?
Dan Straily – 6 2/3 IP, 1 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks, moving his season ERA to 3.96. I can’t say I expected much more from him in his first full season in the majors. Maybe you did. On a side note, Straily has a Strahan-type gap in his teeth, so perhaps you should’ve braced for a 4.00 ERA from Straily. Chest bump with self!
Jered Weaver – 7 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, ending the year with a 3.27 ERA. Yup, next year, I’ll be warning everyone to stay away from yet again. I’ll be right one of these years.
Erick Aybar – 3-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 12th steal. Hey, someone got a hit yesterday! Andy Cohen gives him a Mazel.
Carlos Gonzalez – His batting practice session ‘didn’t go great.’ Hey, the idea of him trying to return with a finger that needs surgery isn’t great either, so at least they have that narrative symmetry. Narrative Symmetry is also my first emo-pop album name.
Jacoby Ellsbury – 1-for-2, 2 runs as he returned to the lineup. After he walked in the 4th, he was lifted for Jackie Bradley Jr. because walking is his thing. This is about all you’re gonna get from Ellsbury in the last weekend of games. A few innings here and there as he gets his timing. I bet you can do better. Look at me having faith in you!
Dustin Pedroia – 0-for-5, 1 run as the Red Sox scored 15 runs. Ticker tease!
Will Middlebrooks – 2-for-5, 7 RBIs and his 16th and 17th homers. Glad someone clued in the Red Sox that they were playing in Coors. On a side note, I wonder if Will’s related to Meredith Brooks? Nah, prolly not.
Jarrod Saltalamacchia – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 3 RBIs. Sweet, Salty!
Avisail Garcia – 2-for-4, 1 run 1 RBI and his 7th homer, his 3rd in the last six games while he hits over .400 in the last week. Why won’t you give one of the last hot schmotatoes of the season a chance? Don’t you like me? Come here, let’s man hug our tension away…Hey, don’t brush your hand on my butt!
Michael Bourn – Sat out yesterday with a sore wrist but the X-rays were negative and he’s day-to-day. If he were on the Rockies, they would’ve had him take batting practice.
Michael Brantley – 3-for-5, 1 run, 1 RBI and his 17th steal, hitting .500 in the last week with two homers and two steals and moved up to the leadoff spot. What better way to juice up the middle of this post then with two of the hottest hitters in baseball. It’s like an early Christmas/Chanukah/Atheist’s brunch celebrating nothing on December 25th present.
Danny Salazar – 5 1/3 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks. Add him to the list of young pitchers for next year. More young pitchers than Michael J. Fox can shake a stick at.
Craig Gentry – 0-for-3, 2 runs and his 20th steal. He doesn’t play every day, but when he does, he’s running — 6 steals in the last 6 games. This Fabulous Freebird you cannot cage!
Martin Perez – 7 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 8 Ks, ending the year with a 3.55 ERA in 119 IP. Add him to the young pitcher list!
Bruce Rondon – He woke up and his elbow wasn’t good. My remedy for that is: go back to sleep.
Jhonny Peralta – Eligible to return from his suspension on Friday and is expected to play left field. He also will be returning under his given name, Jhghonny.
Max Scherzer – 7 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners (6 BBs), 10 Ks, ending the year with a 2.90 ERA, 0.97 WHIP, 240 Ks and 21 wins. And your AL Cy Young is…Hmm, this is weird, there’s a note in here from Keith Law and it says, “I’m particularly partial to Chris Sale due to his xFIP. That’s spelled X as in excelsior, F as in flibbertigibbet, I as in imbue and P as in perchance.”
Kevin Gregg – Got the save yesterday after being released from the team with Strop taking over. Oh, wait, that’s what the Cubs said they’d do, not what they actually did. Smooth move, Ex Lax.
Francisco Liriano – 5 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 8 Ks, ending his season with a 3.02 ERA. Like someone burning your parachute pants, that’s probably your best case scenario for an ending of a ERA.
Starling Marte – 2-for-4, 1 run and three steals (38, 39, 40). I lurved him this year with a sleeper post and a bedtime story titled, “I Lurve You, You Want A Bedtime Story?” and he didn’t disappoint. I don’t think he will next year either. His 12-homer power could take a small step forward and the steals aren’t going anywhere. Me fan.
Evan Longoria – 3-for-5, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and his 30th and 31st homer. Only one more to go!
David DeJesus – 3-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 2nd homer in the last 4 games. Could see picking him up to see if he can continue to stay hot through the end of the season. Sure, it’s not great, but it’s worth the shot. Think of it as a Hail Mary to DeJesus.
David Price – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 8 Ks, ending the year with a 3.39 ERA. Let’s set the stage. It was early May and Machado looked like he was going to be a top 3 third baseman. Just another hitter I nailed in the preseason, but I was feeling particularly masculine and I traded him for David Price, who had a 5+ ERA at the time and was about to be shut down with a triceps injury. Now, how’s that hindsight looking? I love it when a plan comes together.
Eduardo Nunez – 2-for-5, 2 runs and his 3rd homer and 2nd in the last four games. I’d own him more for a chance at a few cheap steals in the last weekend, but maybe you’ll luck into some power too.
Hisashi Iwakuma – 8 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 9 Ks, ending the year with a 2.66 ERA. Hisashi my dashi — slurp SLURP!
Mike Zunino – 2-for-4 and two solo homers. The Mariners front office watched the tape of the at-bats multiple times after the game. They couldn’t believe they got actual production from a touted hitting prospect.
Michael Saunders – 1-for-3 and his 12th homer, and his 2nd homer in the last three games. Could be a little short-term hot schmotato. Maybe through Sunday. Hey, that’s when the season ends. Well, that would work.
Bud Norris – 4 IP, 3 ER, 9 baserunners, 5 Ks. Can’t blame the Orioles’ late season fade on him. He gave them everything he has. All 4+ ERA of it.
Ryan Flaherty – 2-for-2, 3 runs, 4 RBIs and two homers. Now has ten homers. Bleh! That’s Flaherty’s Count. Also, in this game, Steven Pearce homered as the meek inherited the O’s lineup with Adam Jones sitting for the first time since September of 2011. Jones must have a crapload of shows to catch up on his DVR.
Jonathon Schoop – 2-for-3, 3 runs, and his 1st major league homer. Hey, yeah, I wanna Schoop, baby. Can I get some fries with that shake-shake bootie?
Muneori Kawasaki – 4-for-5. Fun fact! When he’s at Starbucks and asked to spelled his name, he says, “As in, ‘David Lee Roth lights the Muneori…'”
Will Venable – 1-for-4, 2 runs as he returned to the lineup. The Padres said his abdominal strain was bothering him, but he wanted to be with the club when they won game number 74.
Tommy Medica – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 3rd homer. I was about to tell you to pick him up because he’s swinging a hot bat, but then I saw he was hitting .125 in the last week. Oh, well. Tommy does play a mean pinball.
Jedd Gyorko – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 21st homer. Meanwhile, his bitter brother, Yura, scrubs his stove, mumbling to himself, plotting his revenge. Having to say, ‘No, you’re the Gyorko,’ your whole life has to wear on you.
Jordan Zimmermann – 7 IP, 4 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks, giving him a 3.25 ERA. Ended the season in the top ten for starters, so it’s hard to argue with his numbers, but what kind of blogger would I be if I didn’t argue with shizz? He sported a nice WHIP (1.09) with very few walks, which is hunky-dory, but give me some Ks, doode.
Shelby Miller – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 3 Ks and ends the season with a 3.06 ERA. ‘Do it to me, Shelby, you’re an animal, Shelby, ride me big Shel-by.’ Doesn’t work. He did though. He did a lot of work all year.
Matt Adams – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 17th homer. As he rounded the bases on the homer, Fatt Adams yelled to the dugout, “Now give me my nicken chuggets!”
