The Tortoise and the Hare is a tale as old as time, even if it isn’t sung by everyone’s True Grandmother Angela Lansbury. The hare is lean, lithe, and lightning fast. In comparison, it seems the tortoise is loafing, langorous, and locomotively lugubrious. The hubris-pilled hare challenges the tortoise to a race, giving little stock to the tired tenacity of said tortoise. We all know how this ends: The Hare was later found shot in the woods near Tortoise’s home, a large hammer found near his body. The tortoise continues to live a long, fruitful life, having been cleared of any wrong-doing by a court made of moles and squirrels. Perhaps his crime will never catch up to him.