Yesterday, I was thinking how Miguel Gonzalez, who went 7 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks, is a’ight. Has nominal value in mixed leagues against weaker teams and a solid back-end guy for AL-Only leagues, which could describe the entire O’s staff. With the O’s, you gotta mind your P’s and Q’s. Excuse me, I had Alphabet Soup for lunch and just burped. Those O’s starters are okay, but I crave excitement. I’m an adrenaline junkie. Sometimes I’ll blog with no pants on just for the RUSH I get. While in Starbucks. While holding my dog over my junk so I don’t catch charges. I’m a responsible adrenaline junkie. So, when I heard Kevin Gausman will make his major league debut on Thursday, you can imagine how awkward it was carrying my dog over my junk without any hands, while working my cellular mobile device trying to pick up Gausman. I’ve gone over Gausman as recently as two weeks ago. He was my Wheeler before Wheeler. I lurve Gausman. The O’s staff is iffy at best, so Gausman could definitely stick around. His numbers in the minors this year are insane. In 46 1/3 IP, he has 49 Ks and 5 walks. He could be the best called up pitcher this year. More likely, he’ll have some extreme ups and downs in the AL East. I’d still grab him in all leagues just in case his ups far outnumber his downs. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Rafael Betancourt – Left yesterday’s game with a tight right groin. He has two groins? Well, whatever. Go grab Rex Brothers then come back and finish reading this. So…Did you miss me? Really? What did you miss most? And that’s me quoting me? Or there is no C? My mustache? You’re so silly! Wow, I think you and I were about to get to first. Slow your roll, pardner!
DJ LeMahieu – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs. After the game, the Rockies lowered the lights, handed out glow sticks and ecstasy, then DJ LeMahieu spun some drum ‘n bass.
Chris Dickerson – 3-for-4 with 2 solo homers. I’d show my age saying I remember when Dickerson was once a sleeper. To remember that, I’d have to be at least four years old. I wonder if he keeps in touch with Ryan Garko and Mat Gamel, fellow sleepers from 2009. What a depressing three-way phone call that would be.
Nate McLouth – 2-for-5 with a walk-off homer. Without the O’s, he wouldn’t be McLutch.
Ted Lilly – Will get the start on Saturday vs. the Cardinals. Your decision to start him should be less complicated than his wife Lily’s dilemma to take on his last name. I wouldn’t start him in any leagues until he throws a good start.
Zack Greinke – 4 IP, 5 ER, 12 baserunners, 1 K. Barf. Hoping Praying Donating Carlos Quentin’s kidney for good karma that this is just a rare misstep and no sign that his collarbone is bothering him.
Jonathan Lucroy – 3-for-4, 1 run, 1 RBI. When the Hitter-Tron was done hitting on a laboratory’s robotic claw, it told me it really liked Lucroy this week.
Ian Kennedy – 6 IP, 3 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks in Coors. No, it wasn’t a beautiful start, but if someone dropped him, I could still see him turning things around. Not turning things around quite like DJ LeMahieu, but still.
Jeff Keppinger – 1-for-3, 2 RBIs and his 1st homer. Blanco Polanco is hitting near .300, and Keppinger is almost as Jewish deli-sounding as Kipnis, so there’s that.
Jose Quintana – 6 1/3 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 5 Ks vs. the Red Sox. He seems incapable of being economical with his pitches, but that’s not a terrible start, and he gets the Cubs next.
Ryan Vogelsong – Hit the DL with a fractured hand. Vogelsong out for six weeks is music to anyone’s ears who owned him.
Matt Cain – 7 IP, 2 ER, 6 baserunners, 7 Ks. Vogelsong having a non-fractured hand was jinxing him!
Mike Trout – 4-for-5, 2 runs, 5 RBIs and a slam (9) and legs (9) as he hit for the cycle. I don’t feel so stupid now with this bumper sticker on my Daihatsu.
Jerome Williams – 8 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 6 Ks. The Stream-o-Nator loved this start. Did you have the testicular fortitude to start him?
Josh Hamilton – 2-for-5, 2 runs, 2 RBIs with his 6th homer. Vernon Wells who?! The guy with four more homers than Hamilton. Ugh, I know, Randon Italicized Voice. It’s a figure of speech. Yeah, Vernon Wells who?! is sweeping the country.
Shin-Soo Choo – Sat out yesterday with the Reds facing a lefty. As you see from Choo’s player page, his value takes a huge hit vs. lefties. By the by, Choo was originally out of Monday’s lineup, but that was only because Dusty thought the Reds were facing Niese on Monday instead of Tuesday. Baker said, “I don’t care about my pitchers, guess how much I care about other team’s pitchers.”
Phil Hughes – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 5 Ks. Throwing thirty-something pitches in his last start might’ve helped him be fresh for this one. That sentence through a movie idea generator spits back, “Get Timothy Busfield on the line, I have a fresh Thirty-Something movie adaption called Fifty-Something.”
Dan Straily – 7 IP, 0 ER, 2 Hits, Zero Walks, 5 Ks in Arlington. Trying to prove he’s an A’s pitcher and not a Quad-A pitcher, huh? I like when you pitch mad, Straily. I still don’t really trust him, but he gets the Giants next and that’s definitely a start worth taking a shot on. I grabbed him if that makes falling into my arms a bit easier.
Salvador Perez – Sat out yesterday, but should be fine in the next day or so. Hurry back, man, I need your 1-for-3’s with no runs or RBIs.
Elliot Johnson – 2-for-5, run with two steals. Not just for the sake of SAGNOF, but really should be playing every day over Chris Getz Your Shine Box.
Eric Hosmer – 2-for-5, 2 runs and is now 7 for his last 13. Great, terrific, adjective, but maybe you elevate a ball for s’s and g’s.
Ike Davis – 0-for-3, hitting .149. Send Ike down already, and fly him out of JFK to add insult to injury.
Jon Niese – 6 IP, 0 ER, 8 baserunners, 7 Ks. Looks a lot better than reality due to three unearned runs. I still wouldn’t trust him, but he gets the Yankees next THEN (caps for emphasis, not because you forget your reading glasses) he gets the Marlins twice.
Mike Leake – 7 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 4 Ks. Sonavanoballs! I picked him up because I know you can throw anyone in Metco vs. the Mess, but I chickened out like Frank Perdue and dropped him before the start.
Chris Sale – And thus it begins. He was scratched from his next start due to mild tendinitis in his shoulder. Oh, just that! If you need a refresher, search the site for all the times I said I wouldn’t draft Sale due to injury concerns. The White Sox say he’ll be fine for his next start. You don’t want to sell damaged goods to someone so make up a fake website called ChrisSaleIsAwesome dot com, pepper it with articles about all his great starts and say he’s as healthy as soybean paste, then direct all your leaguemates’ questions to that site. This way no one feels like they’re getting damaged goods. All about perception, over-the-internet friend.
Jered Weaver – Could be activated next week. Unlike Sale, I don’t worry about Weaver’s health, I worry about everything else. If he thinks he’s gonna be the 9+ K-rate, low-3 ERA guy, you can dream, Weaver. If you think it, wake up.
Chase Utley – Missed yesterday with some discomfort in his side. Geez, sounds so oblique.
Jacoby Ellsbury – 1-for-3. Red Sox are considering moving him down in the order. In the Red Sox order, this isn’t a huge issue. Take away some runs, add in some RBIs. That projection was brought to you by the law firm Nyther, Err, Knorr, Thair.
Matt Garza – 5 IP, 0 ER, 4 baserunners (1 Hit), 5 Ks as he was activated from the DL. It was an extravaGarza! Obviously a solid start returning from the DL. Should be able to go deeper in the game next time and I’d consider him a solid #3 as long as he’s healthy. Speaking of which, if Theo Epstein’s tweets look odd for the next month, it’s because he has his fingers crossed that Garza and Soriano are healthy by the July trading deadline.
Darwin Barney – 4-for-4, 2 runs, 1 RBIs. With three singles and a triple for the Juan Pierre Cycle! Barney has hit in nine of his last ten games. You say schmotato, I say hot, let’s call the whole thing on!
Travis Snider – 1-for-2, 4 RBIs and his 2nd homer. When I saw the Hitter-Tron really liked Snider this week, I was like what are you smoking? It was smoking wire filament. But maybe it knows something that the Pirates don’t even know because Snider didn’t even start yesterday.
Ryan Howard – 3-for-5, 2 runs. Somebody stick Mostsuckass with some cortisone!
Ben Revere – 3-for-5, 2 runs. Now has two three-hit games in the last three games. Mayberry could lose some playing time to him. Will be interesting to see what Charlie Manuel does, that is after he puts on his overalls.
Tyler Cloyd – 7 IP, 2 ER, 10 baserunners, 5 Ks. Not sure what the Stream-o-Nator said about this start, but every starter vs. the MIA Marlins is a gimme.
Jose Fernandez – 5 IP, 1 ER, 6 baserunners, 2 Ks and removed after 79 pitches. If you see Marlins’ coaching staff tripping over themselves, it’s because they can’t tie their shoelaces because of the kid gloves they’re wearing for Fernandez.
Fernando Rodney – 1 2/3 IP, 1 ER. He looks like he can’t find the strike zone (one run even scored off a wild pitch), but — and this is a J. Lo-sized but — he had to relieve Joel Peralta, who was also a mess yesterday. It is still Rodney’s job to lose. “Someone say nose job?” No, Jon Niese!
Alex Cobb – 6 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks. The Tampa Bay Peach has a 2.73 ERA and he’s not even outperforming his xFIP by much. If there’s someone not believing in him in your league and he happens to be the guy who owns Cobb (that’s critical), I’d trade for him like he’s a strong number two.
Kelly Johnson – 1-for-3 and his 8th homer. Wanna live under my glory cloud for a second? (Which is the 1/18th of an inch between my mustache and upper lip.) I traded away Lowrie (part of a bigger deal) and picked up Kelly Johnson. Johnson has 5 runs, 3 homers, 7 RBIs for me, Lowrie has zero homers, zero runs and six RBIs for the other guy. Then again, I traded Machado for David Price. DAH!
Desmond Jennings – 1-for-4 with his 5th homer. His stats have been coming in like they’re on the world’s slowest conveyor belt, but I still have faith in him or my name isn’t Greycarlo Albright.
Bud Norris – 6 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks, but left after aggravating his back. He said, “Back, what are you good for anyway?” And that aggravated it.
Jimmy Paredes – 3-for-3, 3 RBIs and his 1st homer. Has been plenty yawnstipating since his call-up, but if he gets hot he could go on a SAGNOF spree.
Max Scherzer – 8 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 7 Ks. Damn, I should’ve told you to buy him last week. Oh, wait. Silly me. I’m blushing. I had forgotten. I did tell you to buy him last week. Prescience ain’t just a word you need a spellchecker for!
Victor Martinez – 3-for-5. I guess the kickstart he needed was me goading him. Just like Zach Braff needed Kickstarter.
Andy Dirks – 2-for-5, 2 RBIs and his 5th homer. With Austin Jackson still out, Dirks hit leadoff. That spot on the Tigers could give fantasy value to a cantaloupe.
Brian McCann – 3-for-4, 2 RBIs and his 4th homer. Take my Salvador Perez please! I take my Salvador Perez everywhere and all he gives me are 1-for-3’s.
Samuel Deduno – Twins will call him up on Friday to start instead of Kyle Gibson. When hearing that news, Gibson pumped his arm backwards, which looks the same as a forward arm pump, but he had a sad face.
Pedro Florimon – 2-for-4, 1 RBI and his 6th steal. Mike, our steals writers, gave us his Pedro Florimon fantasy yesterday. He also went over what teams to look at as easy marks for steals. Go there, read that.
Trevor Plouffe – Left the game feeling woozy after taking a knee to the head. Morneau put his glove over his face like a Little Leaguer, unable to watch.
Adam Wainwright – 7 1/3 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks in Petco. Unfair. The only way this was a fair fight is if Wainwright would’ve thrown at Carlos Quentin.
Daniel Descalso – 3-for-3, 3 runs, 5 RBIs, a homer, a caught stealing and an error. Dude, vampires are in vogue not Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
Colby Rasmus – 2-for-4, 2 runs and his 7th homer. Every year there’s a player who gets 25 homers, some steals and sneaks into the top 40 outfielders for the year and isn’t even owned for the better part of the year in shallower mixed leagues. This is due to the ever-shifting level of a replacement player, the Bayesian probability and Rasmus is smiling like a douche in his ESPN picture so that turns people off.
Nick Tepesch – Scratched due to a blister. Which was a B-side by the Nonviolent You’re A Femme.
Nick Swisher – Out for a few days on paternity leave. Fellas, this is what sexy sideburns will get you. Podcast Nick voice, “You have been advised.”
