They tore down the Lebron ‘Witness’ billboards in Cleveland. If only they waited a year, they could’ve changed them to Kipnis. And pasted it in Kipnis’s face. And, um, covered up Lebron’s body, replaced the basketball with a baseball….okay, scratch all that. Who’s to even say this Kipnis kid is great enough for a billboard and a one-way ticket to Miami in 2019? Let’s see what we know about Jason Kipnis. In Triple-A this year, he had 12 homers, 12 steals in 89 games, a near .900 OPS and his last name sounds like something you’d find at the Passover Seder. Almost every fantasy baseballer (<–my Mom’s term!) loved Chisenhall more than Kipnis. I did too. So far in the majors, the Chisen in the Hall has 2 homers, hitting .235. That’s big to the whoop. I only point this out because Kipnis is no sure thing. He’s young, i.e. raw, i.e. except after C. The one advantage he has to Chisenhall is he has more speed. Bats can get lost in the travel from Triple-A, but you ain’t losing your speed, assuming we’re not talking about mules. Because Kipnis has good position eligibility, he’s worth a flyer across most mixed leagues that use a middle infidel for the upside. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Orlando Hudson – Ran into a fence and needed to be helped off the field. Orlando Hudson was like vintage Michael Jackson. Off the Wall!
Cameron Maybin – 4-for-4, 2 steals and batting third for the Friars. Now has 7 steals in the last 6 games. It’s like he’s driving a DeLorean with Ron LeFlore in the go-go 80’s when everyone was on coke. None of this Red Bull crap! At this point, you have to own Maybin across all leagues until he cools off. Also, I’d say he’s going to be in this afternoon’s Buy/Sell but he’s here now. No more Maybin for you!
Will Venable – 2-for-5 with his 18th steal. Now has a homer and 3 steals in the last three games. As a commenter was kind enough to point out the other day, Venable is a beast in road games.
Kyle Blanks – Anthony Rizzo was sent back down and the pushing-three-hundred-pounds Blanks was recalled. Now all three Padre fans can go to the park and be like, “Why is there a Nate Colbert statue on first base? Oh, that’s Kyle Blanks!” Randy Jones BBQ stand in right field better up their meat order. That’s not a solar eclipse, that’s Kyle Blanks letting out his afro. Hey, Orlando, Kyle Blanks doesn’t run into walls. He runs through them. Blanks, “Who likes Kool-Aid?” Okay, I’m a big fan of Blanks. If you need power, he’s about as good as they come. He was averaging around one home run every fifth game in the minor leagues this year and can do close to the same in the majors, even in Petco. His average may not sniff .250, so it’s an all or nothing proposition. Kinda like the difference between being in front or behind him at a buffet.
Javier Vazquez – 4 1/3 IP, 5 ER vs. the 1927 Padres. Vazquez takes your trust and defecates on it.
Emilio Bonifacio – Has now hit in 20 straight games and has 19 steals. That’s nothing. His brother Charlie just snorted 5 lines and had sex with 2 hookers.
Carlos Gonzalez – Left the game with pain in his wrist. His fantasy owners should be pist. That’s injury problems for an Orlando and two CarGo’s in two days. I would not feel good about my luggage if I was on a Disney Cruise right now. Sounds like Carlos Gonzalez is headed to the DL.
Dexter Fowler – 1-for-4 with his 5th steal. Job just became more secure with the recurrence of CarGo’s wrist issue. Hopefully Dexter proves to be more than a serial average killer.
Tommy Hanson – 6 IP, 6 ER for the conshellation prize, which was more than Jhoulys Chacin could say with his 4 2/3 IP, 5 ER, 11 baserunners (7 walks) and 4 Ks. Now the 2nd straight poor start for both starters. Hanson gets the somehow-in-first-even-though-they-don’t-have-a-1st-baseman Pirates next and Chacin gets the Dodgers in Maybe We Should Sell The Naming Rights To Dodgers Stadium, How Does Dreamworks Stadium Sound? Two decent matchups, though Chacin faces Kershaw.
Ichiro Suzuki – 3-for-4 to up his average to .265. Is .265 the new .320? Adam Dunn and Dan Uggla raise their hand. Anyone else? I think there should be a new rule that anyone who doesn’t hit over .310, 50 HRs or steal 60 bases can’t have their first name on the back of their jersey. I suppose, to Ich his own.
Franklin Gutierrez – The Big FraGu stole two bases yesterday, but his average is .183. After having stomach issues earlier in the year, he hasn’t been a regular on the field or on the pot.
Miguel Olivo – 1-for-4 with his 13th homer. I don’t want to belabor this for fear of an aneurysm, but Olivo never hits one home run and disappears. He hits four home runs in twelve games then disappears. I provide the information, what you do with it is your choice.
Jake Westbrook – 8 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 3 Ks. Westbrook had everything going against him. He was an unemployed single parent that could barely take care of his kids. Then he got a job at a law office and single-handedly brought down a California power company. Wait, those aren’t my notes, that’s the back cover of the Erin Brockovich DVD. Westbrook isn’t someone I’d pick up with your team.
Ricky Romero – 7 1/3 IP, 4 ER, 9 baserunners, 9 Ks. RR Cool Jay (see resemblance to the rapper (or is it just actor nowadays?)) has been hit hard in his last few starts (13 ER in 16 2/3 IP), but with the Ks he keeps doing it and doing it and doing it well.
C.J. Wilson – 8 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks. Has that weird Dempster thing going for him. Mediocre reliever reinvents himself as a great starter. Somebody make Kevin Gregg a starter!
Jered Weaver – 7 IP, 0 ER, 9 baserunners, 6 Ks. Season ERA is now 1.81. According to Elias, only five pitchers in modern baseball have had a sub-2 ERA after 20 starts. Elias also said, “Our batting average with women who like baseball and math is under the Mendoza line.”
Grady Sizemore – To the DL with a bad knee and a sports hernia. That’s what happens when you try to do a hilarious ‘knee to the balls’ blooper all by yourself.
