Ozzie said that Sergio Santos would be the closer vs. righties. That means Santos is just the closer closer. Or as close to it as we’re gonna get. I don’t know how much I believe this. Just the other day Ozzie said the White Sox had the best bullpen in the American League. And he didn’t add “in opposite world,” at the end of the sentence. I think Sale and Thornton are still in the mix, but it’s old school to go righty vs. righty and maybe Ozzie just wants to kick a little something for the old G’s. If Sergio Santos can save games for the next week as well as he designs jeans, he could run with the job. It’s worth the flyer, ya’ll! Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Philip Humber – 7 IP, 0 ER, 3 baserunners, 5 Ks. Was a terrific start. Also, he had a 4.42 ERA coming into the game and his stuff would have him in middle relief if Peavy were healthy.
Albert Pujols – Didn’t need anything for his hamstring strain and could be ready to go on Tuesday. Or as that day will forever be called in St. Louis, Thanktheeffinlordday.
Logan Morrison – Had his cast removed and should be able to return when his DL stint ends. Logan will be putting his cast on eBay. I hope it fetches more than my VHS copy of Midnight Madness, that awesome 80’s Michael J. Fox movie where they go on a scavenger hunt. Can’t believe someone stole that from me for $1.99. It’s a rarity!
Chris Coghlan – 3-for-4, 3 Runs, 2 RBIs and 2 homers yesterday, now has 3 homers in the last four games. Hopefully he doesn’t smash a whipped cream pie into his own face.
Brian Sanches – Got his 3rd vulture win yesterday. Mujica has 2 wins. Mike Dunn has a vulture win. Know how many the Razzball-owned Clay Hensley has? Rhymes with “Why doesn’t he have one?” and it’s spelled none.
Brandon Wood – 1-for-4, 2 RBIs as he started in place of Pedro Alvarez vs. a lefty. That’s a good move to cause me to claw my eyes out. Thanks, Pittsburgh!
Chris Narveson – 2 1/3 IP, 7 ER. Ouch. Wait, what? Oh. Ouch!
Colby Lewis – 5 IP, 6 ER, 11 baserunners, 3 Ks, now has an ERA of 6.95. To preemptively answer the inevitable Lewis comment, I don’t know what you should do because I wouldn’t have drafted him.
Jose Bautista – Has he got his 50th homer again yet? Stupid Bautista making me look stupid.
Matt Garza – 6 IP, 1 ER, 4 baserunners, 7 Ks and 4 unearned runs for the always ulcer-inducing ticker shock.
Kosuke Fukudome – 5-for-5, hitting .478 on the year. He’s always been an April hitter. That gives you four more days before the clock strikes crap.
Darwin Barney – Hit his first homer as his owners sang, “I love you, you love me.”
Kendrys Morales – Not getting “full explosion” with his runs. Sounds like he should eat more Mexican food.
Ryan Zimmerman – Given the okay to resume some baseball activities. Like spitting and scratching himself.
Willie Bloomquist – Sent to the 15-day DL with a strained hamstring. Chief Justice Ryan Roberts must’ve Gillooly’d him with a gavel.
Brad Emaus – To the Rockies. Yeah, just what they need, another second baseman.
Jay Bruce – Bruuuuuuce!
Ian Kennedy – After that blip on the radar two weeks ago, it looks like the Kennedy administration is back to kissing babies and glad-handing.
A.J. Burnett – 8 IP, 1 ER, 5 baserunners, 2 Ks. Someone asked in the comments yesterday what it would take for me to trust Burnett. He had a 1.46 WHIP and 4.37 ERA going into last night’s game. Last April, he had a 2.43 ERA and ended the year with a 5.26. This is someone I have to trust?
Brett Gardner – 0-for-2, hitting .136 on the year. Yahoo’s Pianowski traded me Gardner yesterday for The Lisper’s Nightmare. I figure Gardner has to come around…Okay, he doesn’t have to, but should and trading for him with Seth Smith, a fantasy fifth outfielder, seems like a decent gamble. Now tell me what a moron I am.
Phil Hughes – Had a setback in his rehab. Hughes and his right arm had a moment as the following song played in the background, “I f**ked you once, I f**ked you twice. I won’t let a 92 MPH heater go at any price.”
Jerry Sands – 3-for-4 with his 2nd steal for his first game in one our team’s lineups. Hey, we popped our Jerry!
Jonathan Broxton – Blew his first save. Huh?! He only has one blown save? That’s crazy talk. He hasn’t pitched well in seven months. And this blown save was due to an error. If Kuo is on waivers, I’d grab him; he should be back by the end of the week.
Juan Uribe – Missed the entire weekend and out on Monday too. On a completely unrelated note, how does someone who is bedridden because they are so fat keep eating? Stop bringing them food!
Don Mattingly – A recent winning streak had Donnie Baseball refusing to shave his goatee. Andre Ethier had also paused his Brazilian waxing routine.
Elijah Dukes – Arrested for driving with a suspended license. Elijah said, “I had to get to the Katz’s house before the end of seder!”
