Right off the bat (pun intended, or not, I’m not sure), I’d like to sincerely apologize for missing a week. I tried to squeeze it in but my wedding took precedence in the end. Beautiful party. Gorgeous ceremony. I looked stunning, oh, and my Wife did too. Other than a female friend of mine getting pushed by another woman, and her being told to “stay away from my man, you bitch,” things couldn’t have gone any better. In fact, that might have been one of the highlights. My Dad seemed to enjoy it and I know I did.
Being heavily involved in multiple fantasy baseball leagues is quite similar to being in a serious relationship. Only in this particular case, I have five fantasy leagues and only one serious relationship. Fortunately or unfortunately, I’m not Mormon. But anyway, both relationships and managing multiple fantasy teams takes patience, nurturing, and a lot of work. In my case, a massive amount of work. Yes ladies and gentlemen, I’m still growing. Spiritually and emotionally, which is extremely important for any fantasy baseball team owner. Cherish your players. Praise them. Let them know how much you care for them on a daily basis and support their dreams. Tweet them and let them know they are beautiful inside and out. If they screw up give them another chance or two, but if they mess up time and time again, stomping on your pulsating heart with steel toed boots over and over again, you may just have to cut bait. This, my friends, is marriage. You are married to your team. Wait, what? Let’s just move on.
Delmon Young — Take a quick peek at Mr. Young’s point totals from 9/4 on: 0, 1, -1, -1, 0, 0, -3, 0. I don’t believe I’ve yet touched on this monumental underachiever this season, so I felt like he could use some hate. If you needed an extra outfielder for your playoff run and you happened to pick up this perennial scrub (I did), you’re more than likely ferociously banging your face against your desk at work or the concrete wall in your Grandma’s basement. Whichever one of those places you are right now is not of the utmost importance. What’s important is why we continue to believe that the five hitter, batting behind Miggy Cabrera and Prince Fielder, will actually produce. Oh yeah, because HE F’ING HITS BEHIND MIGGY CABRERA AND PRINCE FIELDER!!! What more could a man ask for? Maybe a hot wife with a smoking hot body, a yacht, and millions of dollars, but other than that, what more could a man ask for? I feel like you could pull Aaron Boone out of the announcers box and he’d produce at a higher level than Young. That is, only if Boone is still injecting the magic juice his big bro Bret turned him onto back in the day. Sometimes the only way to fix a marriage, is by divorce and there is absolutely, positively, no way I’m rostering this failure for the playoffs………If I make it that is.
Brett Lawrie — Fantasy owners who drafted Lawrie must be ecstatic to have this potent bat back in their lineup, just in time for the playoffs. Oh wait, he still sucks. It’s not much of a stretch to say I’d rather have Jeff Keppinger in my lineup. Lawrie’s performance this season has been more mortifying than Ben Affleck’s acting job in Jersey Girl. To say he didn’t live up the hype is an insult to underachievers across the world. Nine jacks on the season? Nice bud. Real nice.
Here are his point totals since his big comeback: 3, dnp, 0, 1, -1. Maybe he can work the rust off and lead your team to a title. And maybe Bill Gates will offer me a billion dollars for a blowie and I’ll buy one of Saddam’s old palaces and live happily ever after. Would you? Answer honestly.
Hanley Ramirez — Hanley is like Adam Sandler to me. I love him for what he used to be. I forget about all the duds and disgraceful performances only to be sucked back in time and time again. I was inspired by Ramirez’s turnaround once he was traded to Los Angeles, but it seems he’s back to his old self again. The guy who weighs down your fantasy team like a 50 ton anchor, refusing to let you sail away to a championship. The point totals say it all. Here, see for yourself: -1, 4, -2, 3, -2, -1, -1. This is when the negative points for strikeouts truly makes me wish I played in category head to head leagues. It makes me want to become a scientologist and forget all about sports. Tom Cruise seems like he has it together. Maybe it will work for me to0.
Enough about hatred and putridity. I just got married. Let’s talk about love.
Ryan Zimmerman — From 9/6 – 9/12 Zim Zimma point lines have look this way: 7, 8, 9, dnp, 5, 2, 7. Better late than never, right. In fact, there is no better time, unless of course you aren’t making the playoffs based on his flaccid performance for the majority of the season. This guy’s hotter than Bob Dole after popping two, hundred milligram viagra, chased with a Red Bull. As in many marriages, sometimes it’s best to stick it out. This is a prime example of that. May you live happily ever after.
Salvador Perez — You may have to google this guy as you may have no clue to who he actually is. He’s been performing in the manor I was expecting from Matt Wieters or Mike Napoli. Alas, I never swooped him up and have been stuck with the usual big name disappointments. Prepare yourself, as these stats may shock you: 10, -1, 3, 4, 8. Could you use some of that? I know I sure could.
The choices we make every day can lead us to bliss or downright misery. What is misery you ask? How about winning 7 online bets in a row then deciding to get cute, playing online black jack because you can’t sleep. How about after losing 80 bucks, trying to get it back by making 100 dollar bet. How about getting a pair of kings against a five showing? Got to split them right? Imagine my excitement in getting 20’s for both hands. Then imagine my heartache when the computer magically got a 4 card 21, erasing the amazing run of sports betting I’d been on. Then, imagine me turning around and throwing 250 on the Oakland Raiders this weekend. You know I’m doomed. IT’S THE RAIDERS! Maybe it’s time for gamblers anonymous. The drugs and alcohol were one thing, but this is serious. But don’t let me bring you down. Fantasy baseball points leagues are fun! Yaaaaay!…………..FML
Rickie Weeks – Thanks for joining us Mr. Weeks. For a while there, I thought you were as useless as your little bro. Yes the .230 average is disgraceful, but pretty Ricky has turned it on as of late as you can see by the numbers: 14, -1, 2, 4, -1, 2, 9, 9. Another young man I wish I could get my hands on. That sounded weird. For a while there, Weeks was making Jerry Sandusky look like not such a bad guy. Yes, he’s been that bad this season. Hope you have him now, though.
The moral of the story is…… I don’t even know anymore. I shouldn’t have brought up that gambling story. Now I’m just depressed. Let this be a lesson kids. Don’t throw your mortgage payments away on offshore betting sites. You’re wife might leave you. I hope she doesn’t read this. Have a great weekend!
