Francisco Rodriguez got the save yesterday, then K-Rod told the reflection in his mirror I’m nobody’s dork. He’s been Marmolesque (1.42 WHIP, 4+ BB/9), but saves plus a solid K rate has its value. If you really need saves, you could do worse. John Axford, for instance, he was worse, which came after such a great 2011. He reminds me of The Hangover II. Looks exactly the same as the first one, but somehow they managed to make all the good parts of the first terrible. And why was Zach Samardzija (or whatever his name is) a bratty kid? He wasn’t that in the first one. And Bartha has so much else going on he can’t even be in the movie or they just didn’t feel like coming up with a character for him? And you should kinda react when you wake up with a tattoo on your face. As Ken Jeong would say about Axford, you so lame. Anyway, here’s what else I saw yesterday in fantasy baseball:
Ryan Braun – Irritated his previously strained groin. Used to happen to me all the time in high school. Just gotta give it a day or two.
Matt Moore – 5 IP, 2 ER, 8 baserunners (5 BBs), 3 Ks with the win. Murray Chass tweeted, “Dudley Moore gets the wind… What? No…. Shoot… Martha, I’m using this voice to text gizmo and it’s messing up my tits… No, don’t send!”
Garrett Richards – 7 IP, 0 ER, 7 baserunners, 2 Ks. This was one of those games where the other team was out of it so quickly Richards just cruised. There should be a glossary term for a pitcher who coasts because of an early lead. Please suggest in the comments. Thank you.
Mike Trout – 4-for-6, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 13th homer. Can someone please make one of those Christian fish symbols but with it saying Trout in the middle?
Mark Trumbo – 2-for-5, 3 RBIs and his 26th homer. Imma let you finish, but Mike Trout’s the best of all time!
Albert Pujols – 3-for-4, 3 runs, 2 RBIs and his 16th homer. I call this song, “The Best of All-Time (Mike Trout)” and it goes like this: It’s quarter after four and Mike Trout is the best of that time, because he’s the best of all time… If Mike Trout were singing this song it would rhyme… Or wouldn’t rhyme if he doesn’t want it to…. Then the chorus repeats for infinity.
Stephen Fife – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 1 K. You wanna diss the Fife, but you still don’t know the half. He showed pretty mediocre stuff in the minors. Okay, now you know the half.
CC Sabathia – 6 IP, 0 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks as he returned from the DL. His ERA is 3.27, WHIP is 1.25 and he’s top 20 in Ks with 11 wins. Not sure why this just occurred to me, but he’s a Hall of Famer. First ballot. Unless it’s revealed he was taking HGH, but, even then, if he said he had some beef pumped full of artificial hormones, you’d give him the benefit of the doubt.
Jose Bautista – MRI showed no damage in his wrist, then the MRI dropped its pants and wiggled its butt. Wait, what? Bautista will probably be out for the minimum time, but whenever a hitter has a wrist injury… Well, we talk about it more in this afternoon’s podcast.
Anthony Gose – I went over him yesterday when I said he sounds like the name a drunk person would call Anthony Edwards if he ran into him in a bar restroom. Yesterday, I added a bunch of probably’s and maybe’s because Bautista wasn’t definitely on the DL yet. Now, he is. Remove the hedges and you have, “Great speed for Gose, bad Ks which could lead to a poor average, SAGNOF me now or lose me forever!” And that’s me condensing me! So, of course, the Blue Jays don’t start Gose yesterday. Might be they plan on sitting him against tough lefties due to his .187 against lefties in the minors this year. Because of the nature of SAGNOF, if you need steals, he’s an add everywhere, but if you don’t need steals, he’s an add nowhere. Anthony Gose, you can be my wing man anytime!
Jair Jurrjens – 3 1/3 IP, 8 ER. In America, everyone gets a 2nd chance — John Travolta, Michael Vick and the police officer from The Village People. Maybe people get 2nd chances in Kathmandu. I don’t know. I’ve never heard anyone say, “Everyone gets a 2nd chance in Kathmandu.” But how many chances are the Braves going to give Jurrjens?! And Delgado was sent down? And Medlen’s in middle relief? Ridiculous.
Buster Posey – 3-for-5, 5 RBIs, pushing his average to .302. Has 11 homers on the year and solid counting stats. Thinking he’s going to be the consensus number one catcher off draft boards next year. Sorry, Chooch.
Roy Halladay – 5 IP, 2 ER, 5 baserunners, 6 Ks. It would’ve been better to buy him before this start like when I ranked him high in the top 100 for the 2nd half, but if you can still get him, I could see a great 2nd half.
Ross Ohlendorf – 6 IP, 1 ER, 7 baserunners, 6 Ks. If you pick him up, you’re teetering between brilliance and insanity like an abstract painter or an MMA fighter.
Marwin Gonzalez – 3-for-4 with his 2nd steal in as many games, hitting .309 since his call up. Not a whole lot to see here, but he does have playing time for deeper leagues.
Jed Lowrie – If you set your watch by his DL stints, take off your watch for 6 weeks, you won’t be needing it because that’s how long he’s gone.
Jon Lester – 4 IP, 6 ER, ERA up to 4.80. Totally floored that he still hasn’t turned his season around. At this point, I’d expect a Disgraceful List stint and he’s unstartable in all leagues until he throws a decent game.
David Ortiz – Out at least a week with a sore Achilles. Sounds like a great Abbott-Costello routine with Ortiz and the trainer. “How’s your heel?” “It no heal, my foot still hurts.”
Carl Crawford – 3-for-4, 3 steals. You know, playing like you want to make up for a forgotten three months is one way to go. Not a bad way to go for his owners, either. I’d still be adverbly concerned that he’s going to throw one into the infield and it’s gonna look like a Johnny Damon throw because he’s hurt his elbow.
Adam Dunn – 1-for-4 with a steal as the Red Sox let him get a 89 foot lead off first.
Kevin Youkilis – Hit a three-run homer in his old stomping grounds. Looks like the Red Sox figured out how to motivate him.
Jon Niese – 7 IP, 1 ER, 3 baserunners, 8 Ks, lowering his ERA to 3.58. Niese as a preseason sleeper was a good call by Sky, the doode who is now over at our fantasy football site. In today’s podcast, I called Niese to be my 2nd half Cy Young. Like you thought Dickey would be the 1st half Cy Young. (Though, I was slightly kidding on the 2nd half Cy Young for Niese. Though, Part II: They Just Keep Making Thoughs, I do like Niese.)
Jordany Valdespin – The master Quidditch player hit a homer yesterday as he replaced Jason Bay, who returned from the DL. The Mets are damn fools for not playing Valdespin every day, because nothing says a weak attempt at spicing up a lineup like a little old Bay. Member last year when the Mets were trying to trade Bay by saying he could play center field? Ha!
Trevor Bauer – 3 IP, 3 ER, 6 baserunners (5 BBs), 4 Ks. I told just about anyone who asked yesterday that you should sit him, and now you either sit him again in his next start or drop him. There’s no way you can start him in roto leagues. In H2H, the gamble depends on how your current week is going.
Hanley Ramirez – 2-for-4 with his 2nd homer in the last two games. It’s not too late for him. Or said again in a bad Nicholas Sparks-based movie, “It’s not too late for HIM! But it is for me, now touch the side of my face slowly while this maudlin music plays.”
Carlos Lee – 2-for-4 with a grand slam. Okay, but we’ll all go blind if I flagellate on Carlos Lee.
Jonathan Sanchez – The Royals cut Filthy Sanchez aka Smellie Fingers. Next up for Sanchez, doing a handheld video with Dustin Diamond.
Andrew McCutchen – 2-for-4 with another homer. That’s not being in a zone. This is being in a zone!
Josh Rutledge – 1-for-4 with an RBI. With Chris Nelson to the DL and Scutaro moving to 2nd base, Rutledge is seeing time at short. Doesn’t have more than 10 homer, 10 speed over the course of a season, so, in the course of a few weeks, you’re not going to get much. Basically, picking up Josh Rutledge and an orangutan couldn’t even get Jane Goodall’s nipples hard.
Brett Anderson – Cleared for a rehab assignment as he makes his way back from Tommy John surgery. When Tommy John had Tommy John surgery, did they call it His Surgery? Cust queryin’.
Joe Kelly – 6 IP, 2 ER, 7 baserunners, 4 Ks. Why do I get the sense if Trevor Bauer was a rookie on the Cards he’d have a 2.50 ERA? Kelly’s been solid with his ERA, but everything else is kinda belchtastic. I’d continue to ignore outside of deeper leagues.
Justin Smoak – I almost mentioned him yesterday when he homered on Monday, but, well, he homered again so here he is now. He has 10 homers on the road (3 at home). I owned him for one of his road trips and got a cheap homer from him. Where there’s Smoak there’s… A quagmire of crappy corner men on waivers but he’s hot.
Nick Markakis – 3-for-4 and 6 for his last 9, and around .400 over the last week. In some shallower leagues, Markakis might be sitting out on waivers. He’s doing nothing but hitting (everything but homers), so if you need that sorta thing, do what you do and I’ll do what I do and we’ll see each at family functions. I’m your weird uncle.
Matt Capps – Just returned from the DL, but still has shoulder soreness and is headed back to the DL. The Twins said, “Capps will be fine in 15 days and we’re still open to trade him.” When asked why his jersey is littered with phrases such as “No Returns,” “As Is,” and “Handle With Care,” the Twins claim they are just inspirational phrases. If you’re hurting for saves, Burton and Perkins would be the grabs, in that order.
Lorenzo Cain – 1-for-1 with a homer. No, he didn’t walk three times in his other at-bats. The Royals didn’t start him. Do they get a special price on chicken if they play Dyson? Seriously, dubya the eff?
Jonathan Broxton – Reports are saying the Mets are paying close attention to Broxton. When I read that, I picture the Mets were like the Shifty-Eyed Dog on The Simpsons. I’d handcuff or stash Holland, which sounds similar to a bumper sticker I bought in Amsterdam’s Red Light District.
